We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
