I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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