Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
