I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
