We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
