I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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