just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Holy shit dude........stairs
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
