it was like his penis was on wheels.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
