if i can run in heels then i can drive
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
