Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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