Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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