dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
