No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
