You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Never joke about your clitoris.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
