Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
