Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
