After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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