well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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