she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
