Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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