Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
