his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
