No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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