youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I just found puke in my bra..
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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