Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
