My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize