I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
