so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
