I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Randomize
