I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
