He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
