someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
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