Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
