omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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