Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
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