I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
