Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
