Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
