if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
