He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
