just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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