if you like me you must not know who I am
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
