I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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