she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
