I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
