Can i not drive my cunt home
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize