My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
