my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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