I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
did you just send me my own nude
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
