Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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