at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
