i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
