This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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