Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
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