Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
