The maid of honor just puked.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
what day is it and did you see me today?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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