i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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