I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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