yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
