i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
