When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
