He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
