I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize