I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
