how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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