I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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