It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
