I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
