I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
