apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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